Sports Business

To alleviate much of the physical burden levied on the shoulders of players under the intense scheduling, teams will play one quarter 7 times a week.

“Even though I always pull him for defensive purposes in the eighth inning, I appreciate Alfonso catching everything hit to him,” skipper Dale Sveum said. "We're excited to have him on our roster until he's well into his mid-40s."

In the wake of Monday’s events – during which Ryan Dempster himself cut down wild trade speculation shortly before the Cubs played in Pittsburgh – the Cubs’ front office has deemed it necessary for players to have their cell phones on them at all times. If only to prove where they are.

“Man, things are tough all over,” Forte said. “This recession’s really hitting me hard. All I got to my name is a three-bedroom condo in Streeterville, a 4,000 square-foot oceanfront house in South Beach, a gated-community residence in Atlanta next to a golf course, and 17 cars — five of which are used."

“We all have to bear this time of transition together,” said Ricketts. “Also, to be clear, he’s only getting the names of Cubs fans we haven’t already sold to advertisers. Ten-thousand of you are named ‘Reebok’ now, by the way.”

Buoyed by his perceived success of placing the world's biggest single-game league championships in the middle of a small, snowy Midwestern town, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell this morning announced that he has selected an even smaller, snowy Midwestern town to host the 2016 Super Bowl.

“It's going to take me a while to recover from spending a weekend at Dennis’s house,” said Gibson. “I shouldn’t even call it a house. Because it’s more like a bordello. We did talk about actual basketball rebounds once. But since, according to Dennis, the key to rebounding is confidence, that just lead to a lot of drinking.”