Soccer

The new rules require all players to wear hard hats during competition and fans are only allowed to attend matches in 8 of the 12 stadiums being used for World Cup play. Additionally, so-called "free kicks" will now be taxed to help pay for the mysterious budget overruns that have plagued the construction process.

"In hindsight, yes, we should not have hired Mike and the guys from Chicago to maintain our field," said a FIFA official. "But you know how these things work. Someone's nephew needed a handout, some palms were greased and, of course, this is Chicago and FIFA we're talking about."

As both teams fought hard to the end with nobody being the clear victor, NFL fans realized such drama is possible in nearly every soccer game ever played.

“Six goals? Six?! It was so boring, there was no defensive play at all,” said the soccer fan. “And how was I supposed to follow the puck? They need to make it glow or something. That would be a genius idea. Televised hockey just doesn’t work.”

"I've ignored the sport for almost four years waiting for this moment," said distraught NFL fan Bob Benson. "Now what am I going to pretend I care about during the Olympics? The javelin throw?"

Spring is just around the corner and for millions of fathers across the country, that can mean only one thing -- time to begin mixed martial arts training for spring youth soccer.

"Here we go again," said the baseball Beckham. "Why couldn't he go back and play in Europe? I am dreading spring training."