Soccer

Some players have hired public relations firms to find names for them. Among monikers floated to the media are "Omaha," for Peyton Manning. Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski will be called "Boinggggg!"

World Cup Soccer fans throughout Wisconsin were thrown into a state of total disarray today when it was discovered that Mexico, Brazil and Costa Rica were actually separate countries all competing for the FIFA World Cup trophy. There was further shock and awe throughout the dairy state upon learning that Columbia, Argentina, and Uruguay were also not Mexico.

When media sources reached out to Chicago's Donald Winters regarding his impressive knowledge, he stated, "You bet I can name three players. There's the goalie Tim Howard, though they call it 'goalkeeper' outside of the states, Clint Dempsey, who everyone knows, and of course, Beasley. Michael Beasley? No, that's the basketball player. DeMarcus Beasley, that's right. So, yeah, I can name them all."

With their victory over Ghana in the first round of the World Cup, the United States men’s soccer team is just one game shy of equaling the two wins Cubs pitcher Jeff Samardzija has so far this season.

U.S Soccer officials today announced the team which will represent the United States in the World Cup competition. In a unexpected twist, the team will consist entirely of girls ages 7 to 9.

With the eyes of the world upon them, the people of Brazil can proudly tell the 600,000+ spectators and the billion fans watching the World Cup that if you come to Brazil, there are more than enough hookers, street-walkers and paid escorts to help you enjoy your stay.

“We have to be more careful about which celebrity so-called ‘fans’ we let into our cheering sections,” said U.S. goalie Tim Howard. “The bandwagon is only big enough to support serious fans who want to get into soccer, our teams, and our countries. However, we must draw the line at these celebrity frontrunners.”