NHL

"I've ruminated on this the past 24 hours and I'm at a complete loss," stated Quenneville. "One minute I'm thinking Craw, the next Scotty. These guys are both even and if we're gonna win the Cup I have to put emotions aside. The only logical thing is rock-paper-scissors. My verdict is final."

"It took our entire postseason run, but we finally found a way to 'Keep the Red Out," said Predators PR manager Bubby Brisco, Jr. "Ya'll Yankees think you can outsmart us, but ya'll was wrong."

"Ya'll think ya'll can just come in our town, drink our beer, dance at our honky-tonks and cheer for your Blackhawks like ya'll was at ya'lls stadium," said Predators PR manager Bubby Brisco, Jr. "But let me tell ya'll something: That ain't how it's gonna be."

In a new partnership that will give hockey fans an unprecedented look into the lives of their favorite players, EPIX and the NHL have teamed up with the Chicago Blackhawks as part of this year’s "Road to the Bootycall Classic."

"We're talking about people who were on blogs and Facebook pages after every single game, complaining about [Blackhawks goalie] Corey Crawford," said Jerry O'Brennan, a CPD spokesman. "But then, suddenly, they all up and vanished a couple weeks ago. Whether it coincides with Crawford's stellar play is not the issue. The concern is that we've lost up to 1,000 citizens, no matter how annoying or wrong-headed they are."

Did you know Corey Crawford has five testicles and Brad Richards is a birther? You do now.

A source said to be close to “some dude who knows a guy who worked five years ago as a part-time custodian at a business three blocks from the United Center,” confirmed reports that Sharp and the wife of a Hawks’ player were seen at a Dunkin’ Donuts located in Winnetka.