NHL

The addition of bruising players like Daniel Carcillo, Sean O’Donnell and Jamal Mayers to the Hawks roster has led to another addition: an overflow penalty box at the United Center.

When LAPD officer Frank Smith arrived at Sean Avery’s Hollywood Hills home in the wee hours of Friday morning, the last thing he expected was to get his ass kicked, but that’s exactly what is alleged to have happened when Officer Smith confused Avery with figure-skater Brian Boitano.

When the 26-foot tall statue of screen legend Marilyn Monroe was unveiled on Michigan Avenue earlier this month, many around town were questioning her relevance to Chicago and appropriateness of her easy-to-view underwear. However, none of this criticism mattered to Blackhawks winger/babe-hound Patrick Kane who was spotted canoodling with the statue while drunk late Monday night after watching the White Sox-Tigers game at U.S. Cellular Field.

Due to the recent cutbacks in government funding, the Department of Justice revealed that it must reduce WITSEC (The Federal Witness Protection Program), most notably by disbanding the New York Islanders.

"It sucks, bro," said Kane, who uses the injured left hand primarly for lifting pints, shots and Jager bombs. "That's my go-to boozing arm. It leaves my right hand free for scoring digits from the babes, taking cell phone photos and keeping cab drivers in line."

Shortly after trading away Brian Campbell and Troy Brouwer, Blackhawks GM Stan Bowman expressed disappointment about the eight or nine players on the roster that had major roles in winning the Stanley Cup in 2010.

Bettman made the announcement from a limousine in downtown Vancouver that was being rocked back and forth by a few dozen local hooligans Wednesday night.