NHL

The Blackhawks flew into O'Hare early Sunday morning after their West Coast road trip to six fans holding "Welcome Home" signs and two league officials holding stacks of urine cups. All the Hawks did well on their routine pop quizzes save for Patrick Kane, whose urine came back full of Viagra, Red Bull, Grey Goose, and ExtenZe.

With NBA basketball now on the horizon, the Blackhawks will no longer be the lone tenants of the United Center. Several members of the team have been using the Bulls locker room as a junk closet this season and will soon have to make critical decisions concerning some of their stuff.

Tatyana Ovechkin sat in her modest Ford Taurus Station Wagon just outside the Kettler Capitals Iceplex waiting for practice to be over to pick up her recently grounded son Alex.

"It was pretty graphic," teammate James Neal told reporters. "I mean, we'll be walking to the ice for practice, and he'll start rubbing his temples and complaining that he thinks the headaches are coming back, and after a while he starts screaming, 'Oh no concussion!' then the next thing you know... pop. His head just explodes. It looks exactly like that scene from 'Scanners.' We all rush over and Sid just starts laughing at us. Not cool."

"We came up with a pretty good strategy," said Carcillo. "I’ll annoy the piss out of everyone, then John and Jamal will take care of the rest.”

From the hard-hitting interviews to the thrilling multi-angle shots of pucks skidding across the ice at roughly three miles per hour, Comcast SportsNet Chicago's coverage of the "Shoot The Puck" segment during Blackhawks intermission has earned the station much deserved industry recognition.

Wicker Park bartender and self-proclaimed hispter Josh Reynolds recently claimed Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville got the idea for his mustache from him, despite the fact Quenneville has been sporting the non-ironic facial hair since the mid-80's.