NHL

Toews has reportedly agreed to sell his story to the popular Discovery Channel show Naked and Afraid. Toews' series will be titled Clothed and Depressed and will focus mainly on his fishing, sleeping late, and refusal to return to the rink interspersed with longing sighs.

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman called a press conference Wednesday morning to announce all current and future Stanley Cup games will be played at the United Center effective immediately.

"Super excited!" said an exuberant Weir. "This is LA vs New York, East vs. West, Broadway vs Hollywood. The only disappointment is the Blackhawks aren't involved. To me they have the best outfits. Of course Henrik Lundqvist is here. There's a man that's put together. It's a shame he has to wear that mask for three hours."

"Man, getting Kobe on the ice will be huge," said Strong. "Plus he'll be skating with Gretzky, which will be insane."

Everybody knows the only reason the Kings prevailed over the Hawks was because of the Sports Illustrated 'Third Article From The Back' Jinx that struck last week when the magazine ran an article on Hawks captain Jonathan Toews.

The reality of Sunday night's game seven loss in the Western Conference finals was sinking in. However, Brandon Saad and Andrew Shaw still were under the impression that a parade would happen.

Patrick Kane has announced that he has decided to quit the game of hockey and focus on his true passion -- performing seemingly impossible and magical tasks for the amusement of millions as a world class magician.