NFL

"This will be my most difficult role," said Neeson. "I've had to battle Nazis, human traffickers, even Darth Vader. But this is Jay Cutler. I'm not sure I've witnessed anyone as heartless. Chicago needs to be rescued and I'm just the man to do it."

It is unclear at this point if McCaskey was planning to sing the song himself or hire a professional singer to do the honors.

Taking up roughly 30 pages of a small-font Word document, the list contains a total of 1,309 areas in which the organization thinks it can improve. These range from the obvious, such as "#4: Hire a good head coach" to the more nuanced, as seen with "#832: Replace the ketchup dispensers at the concession stands of Soldier Field."

“Those two were wild, man. Coach Trestman does not fit the bill, but trust me, the dude can party. I feel terrible about their dismissals,” stated Manziel. “I guess I’ll have to make it up to them when they join me in Vegas in a few weeks.”

"After this past season, we felt like we had to shake things up," said a team official. "Our coaches, general manager, and yes, our mascot Staley Da Bear were all part of the problem, and they had to go. It was hard to part ways with Staley, who has been such a central part of the organization the last 11 years, but sometimes you have to make the difficult decisions if you want to move forward as a team."

"I went to Costco and bought all kinds of supplies," said McCaskey. "Swiffers, Clorox Wipes, Windex...you name it, I bought it in bulk. The fans have demanded we clean house, and that's exactly what we plan to do."

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.