NFL

“We knew going in that this was our ace in the hole,” Sultan told reporters. “Nobody—judge, jury, or executioner—can deny that skills this nasty belong on a football field, not locked in a cell."

"We have finalized the catering for the event, and there will be a whole mess of crab legs there from Shaw's. And if someone, say a Heisman Trophy winner with a history of controversy, were to take some extras home with him? Well, we made sure our event staff knows to let that happen. Heck, we're encouraging our attendees to take all the leftovers they can carry," said Goodell.

"I expect huge things out of Jay this year," he said. "I mean, the guy can hand off the rock with the best of them. Or at least as well as most professional quarterbacks not named Mark Sanchez. Of all his fumbles, maybe only two came on an exchange with Matt Forte."

In a shocking move that rattled Bears fans across the country, five-time Pro Bowl wide receiver Brandon Marshall was traded to the New Jersey Jets for a package of five weeks of Green Bay fans making fun of Bears fans for only getting a fifth-round draft pick for one of the best wide receivers in the league.

"We live in a dynamic media world comprised of digital and traditional channels," said Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. "If NBC is going to charge $4.5 million per Super Bowl commercial while everybody in America is busy playing on Facebook, we feel it's time to monetize what the big blue thumb brings to the big game."

"He's only broken curfew twice," said head coach Bill Belichick. "And both times he made it back to the hotel before sunrise, which is pretty unusual for him. Sure, he showed up wearing nothing but a pink tube top and argyle socks, but other than that, it's clear he wants to be a champion."

"Bill will not be allowed to participate in any aspect of the 5-hour program. No interviews. No canned speeches in the locker room. Nothing," said commissioner Roger Goodell. "With this punishment, we can finally put the whole scandal behind us and remind people this is a game filled with integrity, presented by Mercedes and Bud Light."