NCAA

As the Northwestern Wildcats football team gears up for their season opener against Cal on Saturday night, students at the prestigious Evanston college were ecstatic to find their team ranked by AP, the coaches poll, and ESPN, each of whom have them as the 7 multiplied by π best team in the nation (or (4!)-2 in factorials).

“The responsibilities of the Board are awesome in nature,” Limbaugh said in a university press release. “The Board sets the curriculum for teaching arrogance to new Notre Dame students, and works with school officials to weed out anyone on campus who might show the slightest bit of humility.”

In a true gesture of thanks, Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel sent personally signed helmets to NCAA officials after the governing body suspended the Heisman Trophy winner for the first half of the Aggies’ opening game of the season.

"Bruce Smith used to give me nightmares," said John Elway. "Clowney makes Bruce Smith look like Bruce Jenner. And not the Bruce Jenner from back when he was winning decathlons. Bruce Jenner from now who looks like a corpse. That's how good Clowney is."

President Obama issued the executive order only after exhaustive peace talks between the fraternity brothers and the Texas A &M stand-out QB broke down at the last possible minute. When pressed by the Associated Press about the strong possibility of a nuclear option, President Obama responded that “All options were on the table.”

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a Rutgers source said the university is no longer pursuing politically correct hires. “Clearly we have no skill whatsoever in hiring the right people. So we decided the hire the wrongest person we could find.”

"It's just too hard to find smart athletes, so I am gonna see if smart kids can play ball," he said.