NCAA

Sister Jean decided she had had enough of Drake and and she was onto bigger and better things.

“Whoo-hoo! Did you SEE that win? The Ramblers are my team!” exclaimed Belushi by Skype, sporting his new, fresh-from-the-bookstore-via-FedEx Loyola t-shirt and brightly colored scarf. “And they always have been, in my sweet home Chicago.”

It’s been a whirlwind week for Sister Jean Dolores-Schmidt, the energetic nonagenarian superfan of Loyola Chicago Basketball. First she was seen in the stands as her beloved Ramblers basketball team defeated the Miami Hurricanes on a buzzer beater.

God took a break from trying to fix the world today to send a message to all the NCAA basketball tournament teams that are not Loyola: “I’m not helping you.”

"Fred was nice enough to introduce us to the NBA All-Stars on the Bulls," Niag said. "Derrick Rose taught all of us what it means to be an NBA star and how much work you have to put in ... and how occasionally you need to rest."

"Listen, think about it, [2015 2nd round NBA pick] Pat Connaughton is a monster on the boards, and [#19 overall pick in the 2015 NBA Draft Jerian] Grant's just the kind of player to put us ahead of the rest of the field. Just ask around, everyone knows that this year is the best crop of players we've had in a long time."

“I was told that Ulis and Lyles had stopped attending their Physical Recreation course in February, so I realized at that point that they could very well be one and done,” said Calipari. “Those two ball kids, however, could probably have used another year in school, but they’re sure to find gainful employment in the NBA D League.”