NCAA

Desperate to raise cash after getting hit with a $60 million fine by the NCAA Monday, Penn State listed the now-removed Joe Paterno statue on eBay, where it hopes to fetch top dollar for the otherwise worthless 900-pound piece of bronze that stood outside Beaver Stadium until yesterday.

NCAA President Mark Emmert handed his organization the feared "death penalty" Monday morning, forcing itself to shut down all operations for four years in light of the Jerry Sandusky Penn State scandal.

Under increasing pressure after the release of the Freeh Report to remove a prominent statue celebrating the storied career of coach Joe Paterno, Penn State officials have made a change to the statue's boilerplate.

Earlier this week, the people of North Carolina passed Amendment 1, which many believed was just a ban on gay marriage. But it has now been revealed that this amendment could also undercut child custody arrangements, jeopardize hospital visiting rights, and most surprisingly – it bans marriage between graduates of Duke University and the University of North Carolina.

"This is the South," said a clearly shaken Long. "We expect our leaders to be able to do certain things, and handling a motorcycle with someone who's not your wife on the back is certainly one of them. I get sick to my stomach every time I read an article that says Coach Petrino 'laid down his motorcycle' after he lost control. What the hell is that?"

"I did not ride a motorcycle with that woman--Jessica Dorrell," Petrino said as he pointed a finger at the television cameras. "I was riding along and she appeared on my back seat. I did my best to shake her off and the bike got away from me."

After some high-fives and chest bumps, Calipari thought long and hard over this decision. After all, he has already been to the NBA, and failed once before.