NBA

The Bulls today announced the hiring of Doug Collins as a senior advisor of basketball operations and -- perhaps more importantly -- as a backup shooting guard.

Eager to finally do something right on draft night, the Bulls dealt All-Star Jimmy Butler to the Timberwolves for Kris Dunn, Zach LaVine and the seventh pick, which was used to select some tall dude from Finland. Bulls VP of basketball operations John Paxson explained the move to reporters, saying fans "no longer had a reason to care" about the team for a while.

Began professional career in the Argentine basketball league in 1995 at the age of 16. Voted the league’s Best Sixth Man in 1998-99. Voted Spanish league MVP in 2004. Won Olympic gold and bronze medals with Argentina in 2004 and 2008, respectively.

“This is my team,” screamed Butler according to sources. “I’m carving the damn turkey! I was here when it was just me, Tony Snell and Cam Bairstow eating sad green bean casserole and the weird Spanish ham that Pau brought. I’ve earned my place.”

"Chicago native Dwyane Wade sunk two critical free throws to defeat his non-hometown former team Thursday night, and one just has to be reminded that Wade, who grew up in Chicago, must have had mixed feelings," began an article on ESPN.com.

"This is why you put on the surgical mask and gloves," said team surgeon Michael Benson. "No offense to the other guys on the roster, but the chance to work with Derrick is a once in a lifetime opportunity."

"This is a best of seven series," said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. "We have TV deals in place, player contract stipulations must be enforced and I'd personally like to see LeBron [James] just destroy Toronto's will to live, to be honest."