NBA

“John. Lucas. The Third,” replied Dolan when asked who his top choice was to add to the Knicks’ roster. “Did you see this guy at Rucker Park? Well I didn’t because I’m afraid to go there, but I saw it on YouTube. He dominated Kevin Durant!”

The agreement to end the NBA lockout has restored thousands of jobs, but one budding business has seen its sales take a dive since the announcement.

Bulls forward Carlos Boozer will reportedly miss six to eight weeks of action after suffering a “boxers fracture” on his right hand for the second straight year. Upon being informed of the end of the NBA lockout, Boozer supposedly leaped high into the air and then threw a thunderous punch straight into his living room wall.

“This late start to the season has me stressing and pressing about my dressing,” the legendary Knicks announcer said. “I have a prodigious closet with 100 new suits made from only the finest fabulous fabrics, and the fans are going to see them all.”

Following what appears to be a struck deal to partially salvage the 2011-2012 NBA season, the actor who plays Benny The Bull quickly scoured his basement apartment in a panic, screaming "Where's the Head?!"

With NBA basketball now on the horizon, the Blackhawks will no longer be the lone tenants of the United Center. Several members of the team have been using the Bulls locker room as a junk closet this season and will soon have to make critical decisions concerning some of their stuff.

"Everyone knows 82 games is far too many, but 66 is still too long of a season," said ESPN basketball analysis Chris Broussard. "A 36-game season would be perfect."