NBA

The CDC has given a name to the disease: Stoudmelo's Syndrome. The new moniker, of course, is an homage to the two biggest culprits of bad defense on the Knicks: Amare Stoudamire and Carmelo Anthony.

"If my demands are met, Chris Paul will not be harmed in any way," Stern told reporters during a press conference. "He is being given three square meals a day, but until I get my money and my jet, he is not going to play for anyone else other than the New Orleans Hornets."

After reports surfaced they were trying to acquire Chris Paul and Dwight Howard, the Lakers shocked the league by announcing that not only do they plan to continue pursuing Paul and Howard, they've also proposed trades for Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant, and sure, why not, LeBron James.

"I know we have the reputation of being a loser, but have you looked at Cleveland's roster?" said Generals coach and owner Red Klotz. "They won 19 games last year. And don't get me started on teams like the T'Wolves, Bucks, Pacers, Raptors, Warriors, Kings, Bobcats and Wizards. Our ball boys could give some of these shitty teams a run for their money."

"Eddy Curry may be the Eddy Curry of basketball, but he's the Michael Jordan of over-eating," one excitable restauranteur told reporters. "I can't wait for the payday that'll be coming my way the night that he decides to eat at my restaurant."

In the wake of recently nixing the trade of Chris Paul from New Orleans to the Lakers, NBA Commissioner David Stern has decided to make a few more moves in order to better affect his league. In a statement issued Friday morning, Stern declared that the Christmas holiday -- coinciding with the beginning of the league schedule -- would be cancelled.

“Young Mr. Darby has learned plenty from this lockout,” said Robert Barry, the principal at Collins’ school. “He has asked if we have an exchange program with Europe, what percentage of the school’s ‘revenue’ is given back to students and if the kickball league has a salary cap."