NBA

Kendrick Perkins spent the evening in a Los Angeles hospital after Blake Griffin mounted a thunderous dunk over the entire body of the Oklahoma City center.

“It's going to take me a while to recover from spending a weekend at Dennis’s house,” said Gibson. “I shouldn’t even call it a house. Because it’s more like a bordello. We did talk about actual basketball rebounds once. But since, according to Dennis, the key to rebounding is confidence, that just lead to a lot of drinking.”

Stern revealed the NBA had conducted several impartial focus groups in which the topic of Blake Griffin receiving three or even as many as 10 points for a single dunk was discussed.

“This shot tax is similar to the luxury tax levied on teams,” said Brown. “If Kobe goes over the shot cap of 30, he’s paying up. It’ll teach the team how to distribute the ball and not rely on one player.”

The banner will be the first of any kind for the embattled franchise, and will commemorate the Clippers' 102-94 victory over the Lakers on January 14, 2012.

Since signing with the Bulls for $80 million over five years, Carlos Boozer has been eager to show Chicago he has been worth the money. Unfortunately, due to poor defense and gym bags supposedly scattered about, Boozer has not lived up to the hype.

Despite the current NBA season being well under way, Los Angeles native and lifelong Lakers fan Nick Torres refuses to stop bitching about how good the Lakers would be had David Stern not vetoed the three-way trade sending Paul to the purple and gold nearly two months ago.