NBA

"I've been doing this job for more than 10 years, and still I'm stuck with this single-cup coffee maker," said Kupchak. "You know the kind where you put the little pouch into the thing and a minute later it spits out this swill that I'm convinced strips the enamel off your teeth."

"Aw man, it's a great thing," said Rose. "They've been with me since day one, and now here I am, getting this great contract and changing my last name to Adidas. It just feels like this is the way it should be."

“Let’s not forget what the All-Star Game is all about," said Stern. "It’s a showcase for our league’s finest athletes to nurse hangovers, hog the ball, launch ill-advised shots, stand around on defense, and throw alley-oop passes off the backboard to themselves.”

Comcast SportsNet will air a four-hour behind-the-scenes documentary commemorating Joakim Noah's triple-double Wednesday night against the Bucks.

"I don't know how the entire arena found out about the huge new bong I bought last week," said Noah, mistaking his 13-point, 13-rebound 10-assist stat line for his new double barreled, three-foot marijuana water pipe he's affectionately been calling "Triple Double." "I'm really freaked out. Do you think I can get arrested?"

Never one to shy away from a public feud -- most famously with Kobe Bryant and most recently with Dwight Howard -- it appears Shaquille O'Neal has his dander up again, and this time it's Blake Griffin earning the ire of the Big Contrarian.

“Son’s barber must have slipped up, he shoulda went to my dude, Andre in Bensonhurst” said Knicks fan Mookie. “Twenty minutes, he’d have him looking fresh.”