NBA

In order to keep Hamilton ready for LeBron James and the Miami Heat, Bulls GM Gar Foreman has announced Rip will be playing with an NBA approved, full body, armored suit.

After some high-fives and chest bumps, Calipari thought long and hard over this decision. After all, he has already been to the NBA, and failed once before.

Bulls mascot and fan favorite Benny the Bull will have to miss out on entertaining the fans during home playoff games. Benny is set to undergo surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff, suffered from abuse to his shoulder after repeated half court shot attempts. Assuming Derrick Rose is healthy for the playoffs, back up guard John Lucas III is set to fill in as Benny.

“I wave the towel, pat guys on the bottom and even tell Boozer to guard someone," said Scalabrine. "I am all about team. If stuffing me into a cannon and exploding me across our home court into a small netting can gives us an edge … I'm all for it!"

With the Dodgers selling for a record $2 billion, now would be a great time for Fred Wilpon to take offers on the Mets. Taking a page out of Magic Johnson’s book, former Knick Larry Johnson has already put together a group of investors in hopes of buying the Amazins for $2 million.

From the average cost of attending Cubs and Sox games to current receding hairline leaders, The Heckler breaks down the most important stats in professional sports.

"I normally keep the hours of a vampire," said Scalabrine, covered with extreme burns on 50% of his body. "I figured I could make a beeline for my car during lunch today, but the sun proved too much. I could actually smell the flesh burning as I returned from the 7-11 with my Slushee."