NBA

“This changes everything,” said Watkins. “Sure, that particular dinosaur seems a bit awkward and maybe even a little annoying, but the very notion that a velociraptor is roaming the earth millions of years after every other member of its genus has disappeared, well, it’s crazy to say the least!”

“I was so tempted to scream out, ‘I’m going to Disney World!’ last night after the win,” said an elated James. "But then I started thinking that Anaheim may be better than Orlando. Plus, I’m already in Florida, so a little out of state time would be great.”

You’d think Heat fans would be thrilled their team was on the verge of its second NBA title, but as it turns out, they were just hungry. While it may have sounded like the arena was cheering their heroes on in unison, they in actuality were chanting “Let’s Go Eat!”

The Lord God Almighty announced Thursday afternoon that He -- like the rest of humanity -- is so outraged by the success of the Heat that he will bring the worldwide destruction and reckoning predicted in the Book of Revelation once Miami wins Game 5 of the Finals tonight, bringing LeBron James his first NBA title.

Over their nine-year run in Chicago, the Matadors made a large mark on the city’s sports landscape. But sadly last week it was announced that the powers that be in the Bulls organization agree with Chet Coppock’s 2009 book: Fat Guys Shouldn't Be Dancin' at Halftime.

"First the refs were giving Dwyane Wade and LeBron James all the calls," said Michael Stenson, a Heat-hating NBA fan from Minnesota. "But then they found some way to force OKC to shoot only 60 percent from the line. It's complete crap."

When Kevin Durant and the Seattle Super Sonics rolled into town in 2009, many Oklahoma citizens felt threatened by a franchise entering the city of 23,000 people. However, with the NBA Finals now in full tilt, the people of Oklahoma City are excited by this foreign sport that doesn't involve a football.