NBA

Derrick Rose was all smiles this weekend after his latest knee surgery to repair a torn meniscus having just learned that he’d back playing basketball again in a mere 46 weeks.

"Derrick is in good spirits, and though it's impossible to imagine the pain and frustration he's going through, his knee looks great," said Dr. Hardaway, as he walked gingerly from the operating room. "I don't see why he wouldn't be able to play sparingly at about 60 percent of his ability for the next six years or so before he finally retires."

After yesterday's injury to Patrick Kane that could leave the NHL's point leader out until at least the playoffs, and the announcement that Derrick Rose was forced to undergo the third surgery on his knee in three years, all fans of Chicago sports franchises have been given a week off of work to grieve properly.

Just as suddenly as the Super Fans finished counting Mini-Ditkas and fell asleep, five million sports fans in the greater Chicago area awoke suddenly to a great disturbance in the Force. It was as if two life forces had been simultaneously snuffed out by the dark side.

Citing a long season and the desire to keep one of his marquee players healthy for the playoffs, Chicago Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau stated that he would be placing All-Star guard Jimmy Butler on...

“Of course, we’ll use the picket fence, although I’m a little concerned about Derrick Rose running the team,” Dale said. “He’s no Jimmy Chitwood.”

“The arrogance and hypocrisy that fuels the West’s anti-Islamic war games and oppression is the same haughtiness that feeds Americans’ stubborn, obtuse belief that Jordan is better than Kobe,” the figure says, holding an AK-47 assault rifle in a barren desert landscape.