MLB

Drinks and food are included in the price of the party ticket. A special raffle will be held with Gregg memorabilia as the prizes, including the pitcher’s signature goggles and several pieces of game-used chewing gum.

“Why not Saban?” a source close to the team said. “Cubs management already said they won’t sign any expensive free agents in the off-season. With the pile of goo we have coming back next year, Saban would be just as good as any of them.”

“Once Gunnison draws his last breath, around late January to early March, he will enter that cocoon known as the afterlife, or deathtime,” said Dr. Mudder, a specialist. “This period in Gunnison’s nonexistence is expected to last long enough for the Cubs to win as many as 10 World Series championships, even if it's not for like another 200 years.”

"It's been a disappointing season, there's no doubt about it," said Brooks Boyer, the team's VP of Marketing. "This 2013 campaign has left the fans with a bit of an empty feeling. That's why we want to be able to fill that emptiness."

The season kicks off on April 4 at Wrigley Field against Horner Park Little League BLUE followed by a three game series with Horner Park Little League RED. The club’s first road trip takes them to Schaumburg to face the Renegades, who won the Northwest Suburban League in 2013 with a record of 55-2.

Tensions spilled over during Sunday's Cubs-Brewers game in the fifth inning when a large group of knife wielding rats decided to have a rumble with their arch nemesis the Wrigley seagulls.

"I wanted to reassure all of them that soon the Cubs will be a consistently winning franchise, just not right now," Ricketts said. "Our top prospects are only in A and AA ball but when they finally do get the call to the majors we will be ready for them with new toilets and a big bright Budweiser sign in right field at Wrigley."