MLB

Pleased to rid themselves of financial albatross Chicago Cubs at the end of this year, WGN-AM is poised to replace team broadcasts with even more boring programming after the station was outbid last week by CBS-owned WBBM for Cubs broadcast rights.

The Cubs announced Tuesday that they'd be leaving their long-time radio home 720 WGN-AM for a competitor, CBS-owned 780 WBBM-AM. Naturally, many fans of the team were outraged at a change they see as a break in tradition and major inconvenience.

Cubs Chairman Tom Ricketts appeared unsuccessfully as a guest on Shark Tank, the popular ABC series where a panel of billionaires evaluate and negotiate investment proposals from would-be entrepreneurs.

"The way I see it, I'm right on track for the Cy Young," a naive Samardzija stated. "Eric Gagné won it in '03 with only 2 wins and I'm confident I can accomplish the same feat this year with only one. If I happen to win a few along the way, I suppose that wouldn't hurt."

“This will kill two birds, or perhaps better stated, two seagulls with one stone,” said Crane Kenney, Cubs President of Business Operations. “First off, we won’t have to remove any bricks from this historic landmark, and secondly, our relief pitchers will most likely never make an appearance ever again.”

"We have come to the realization that the league's approach to banned substances was all backwards," Epstein told reporters. "The problem was not the 'rogue abuser' but the 'goody two-shoes' holdouts who refused to dope. PEDs are a powerful tool, and they are going to power us all the way to the World Series."

With only minimal time to brush up on his spelling skills, the Yale alumnus is training for the Spelling Bee furiously. Part of Epstein's training regiment includes making a spelling wall on the team’s unused whiteboard for mid-season playoff acquisitions.