MLB

Oh Glorious Brothers. Our majestic nation has won yet another prestigious Worldwide Sporting competition and in the process brought further shame upon the evil democratic regime of the United States of America.

“As the statistics currently show, Baez is on pace to never draw a base-on-balls in his MLB career,” said James. “However, when you look at number of pitches seen per at bat vs. those that he swings and misses at vs. those he takes, my projection is that his first walk will occur on June 15, 2018.”

The Cross-Fat Games combine High-Intensity Interval Eating with Olympic beer drinking and plyometric sundae snacking. The inaugural games were won by the rubinesque Colon who narrowly beat out former Lions QB Scott Mitchell, who is apparently now huge.

The Law Offices of Peter Francis Geraci, bankruptcy and injury attorneys, is the first company to buy a sponsorship, which includes the firm’s logo, website address and phone number under the words “Replay Review.”

"While we appreciate Mr. Baez's enthusiasm for our league, it is a violation of our trademark to recreate it in any way without the express, written consent of Major League Baseball," said MLB General Counsel Robert Paschke. "Unfortunately, this gives us no choice but to take legal action."

"This is not a responsibility I take lightly," Baez told reporters. "I know that when Mark Prior and Corey Patterson got this call, they felt the same pressure that I do now to elevate this team to the next level and hopefully give Chicago fans everywhere a championship."

"We're looking to get these kids from the Wicker Park and Bucktown neighborhoods here to the games," said president of baseball operations, Theo Epstein. "We wanna see more handlebar mustaches and Buddy Holly glasses. Any woman wearing suspenders or leg warmers will get a discounted price. Bring your vintage cameras and satchels. Unicycles are welcome."