MLB

"Our goal first and foremost is that World Series championship. I have to say though it's pretty cool to bring the fans [Bruce] Springsteen, Pearl Jam and Billy Joel. The added revenue from these outdoor concerts would really boost the Cubs bottom line. Maybe having Taylor Swift play here a few weekends would help us afford Max Scherzer. Fans wouldn't be complaining then."

The renovations of Wrigley Field hit another snag early Friday morning with Todd "Bubba" Ricketts was found passed out on a pile of construction rubble at the job site. Work is expected to resume Friday afternoon when construction workers expect Ricketts will be sober enough to muster the strength required to leave on his own power.

Built as a long-awaited expansion in 2006, Wrigley's bleachers were structurally sound and clean, which is why the Cubs said they needed to be destroyed.

While Bernabe wouldn't quote exact figures, sources knowledgeable with the deal are indicating that Bryant will be paid upwards of $300,000 during the contract, or roughly $42,857 per year, which is two-and-a-half times what the average Minor League player makes.

"At one point this season, our starting lineup had six guys batting .220 or lower and somehow we came within eight wins of a .500 year. Is that not good for anything?"

"Anytime you're ready, guys," huffed soon-to-be retiring Paul Konerko. "You know I'm retiring too, right? That's like this weekend."

"Goats are notoriously fickle animals," he said. "They'll climb fences, plot escapes and, of course, place hexes on professional sports teams. Well, the other day, Lilo was just grazing on some grass when he looked up and said, 'the Cubs curse is over, starting next year.' I nearly soiled myself!"