MLB

"When they told me I would be a central piece of the team's rebuilding project, I thought 'sure, I'll do my best to bring a winning attitude,'" said the former Red Sox ace. "It came as a complete shock when [GM Theo] Epstein handed me the keys to a bulldozer and told me to get to work."

"This really is a unique moment in history for the team," Cubs President Theo Epstein said. "For many years we've had special celebrations for rosters that achieved dubious distinctions, such as almost winning the pennant or division, or gaining a Wild Card berth. This time we can actually add the words 'World Series' to the pin."

“It’s quite obvious that the Sporting News isn’t intelligent for picking the Cubs to win it all,” Chambliss said. “Luis Valbuena at third base, a bullpen that’s shakier than a Derrick Rose jump shot, and the windmill known as Javier Baez?"

Standing behind a large "Mission Accomplished" banner, Rauner outlined how the new "Lester Clause" he plans to add to the state's tax code will shore up the multibillion dollar budget shortfall by 2020.

After an initial announcement stating that they had signed the team's newest ace starting pitcher, the Cubs sheepishly announced that the team has not in fact sign Jon Lester, but instead signed a six-year,...

"Those are just the baseline expectations," said Cubs President Theo Epstein. "He could do much, much better than that. We'll just have to wait and see."

Sources within the Bureau are confirming that a pantsless mystery figure approached the epicenter of the convention, The Furmuda Triangle, and after putting down his Chocolate Malt Cups and DVD copy of Rookie of the Year, set-off the stinkbomb. According to several reports, the devastation was simply UnFurgettable.