MLB

"I've always said I'm a man of the people," said Kenney. "And to prove it, I'm going to allow fans the opportunity to use my 950 square foot executive restroom to do what I can to help with the major restroom issues we had last night."

Team officials announced this morning that the 14-foot-high tribute would be set in the middle of the intersection of Clark and Addison so passing motorists wouldn’t have to get out of their cars to take selfies near it. And if anyone questions why such an honor was being afforded Bryant, well, you know, he’s "super good," according to a Cubs spokesperson.

"I’m sorry, but I’m not going to stand for these vicious actions any longer. These barbaric tactics need to cease. Won’t you please join me in signing this petition to stop the heinous and suffocating actions of the Cubs front office?"

“You see, when teams are struggling for a long time, they tend to get a little desperate,” said Chicago police officer Bob Jones. “Lose for over a century, and then something like this happens.”

"We appreciate what Kris has done this spring, but he had 40 at bats and only hit nine home runs," said team President Theo Epstein. "That's just not acceptable if he wants to play in the big leagues."

"The team has spent considerable money on renovating the bleachers, and the engineers are concerned that the constant barrage of towering Kris Bryant home runs may damage the integrity of the stadium and severely hamper the construction process," said Epstein. "Obviously, safety is our top priority. So it is for that reason, and that reason alone, that we will wait to promote Kris to the big league club until the bleachers are deemed structurally sound."

"There are a lot of ups and downs in baseball," said Lester, who signed a six-year, $155 million free agent deal with the Cubs this winter. "Unfortunately sometimes that involves health issues, like this bloody stump where my pitching arm used to be."