MLB

"When they said I was the longest-tenured Cubs player, I thought, wait that can't be right," Bryant told reporters. "I feel like Rizzo's been with us for a while, but apparently he wasn't even on the roster as of June of 2012. So, huh, I guess my less-than-a-year with the team makes me the most veteran member on the club."

Castro's walk-up song, "Ando En La Versace" by Domincan singer Omega, gained notoriety throughout the 2015 season as teammates and fans vigorously clapped to the beat while the shortstop-turned-second baseman walked to the plate. Now the battle is on to inherit it.

"Ask any fan and they'll tell you we have all the money in the world," said Epstein. "Plus, signing stars is so easy because other teams typically don't get involved in the bidding, and we know there will always be money left over to lock in our current players when their contracts are up."

Following performances that were strong at the plate but shaky-at-best in the outfield, Cubs rookies Jorge Soler and Kyle Schwarber have committed to spend the entire off-season practicing together by taking turns crushing towering fly balls to the other who will do his best to catch them without incident.

"Our customer service team is completely overwhelmed this morning by phone calls from travelers looking to cancel flights to Chicago next weekend," said Southwest CEO Gary Kelly. "And the calls are taking longer than normal because the customers are all sobbing uncontrollably."

Franklin, who grew up in Chicago and moved to New York for college a few years after the Cubs 2003 NLCS collapse, has been concerning his friends during the past few days, according to various sources.

“My favorite one to call is the high and tight fastball strike right under the batter’s chin,” said Rob Drake, who unceremoniously called balls and strikes during NLCS Game 1 on Saturday. “Not only do they start their at-bat 0-1, but they usually fall flat on their asses, which is pretty damn hilarious to watch.”