MLB

“This is all just a big misunderstanding,” said HGH. “I was simply waterboarding myself with Rogaine on a nightly basis to try and achieve Jake’s level of bearded manliness.”

MLB's security changes will likely negatively impact Wrigley Field the most, where getting into a game is rarely a quick or pleasant experience. As a result, the Cubs are asking fans to prepare appropriately.

“It’s the logical next step to make the ballpark experience more convenient for the fans who eat the most hot dogs at the fastest rate,” said Brad Johnson, the club’s Manager of Concessions and Retail. “To this point vendors have circulated evenly through the stands, yelling ‘hot dog’ repeatedly yet often fruitlessly. Now, through predictive data derived through advanced scouting of fans, our vendors will be shifted to those sections containing the most gluttonous gastric guys and gals."

Our friends at Clark Street Sports are giving away a brand-new Kris Bryant jersey to whichever unlucky schlep shows up in the worst Cubs jersey you can imagine. Just wear it to Next Year Day tonight and maybe you'll be the winner!

We're going to be having a kick-ass raffle with Cubs tix, jerseys, and tons of other great prizes and all the proceeds benefit Peace for Pits.

There are so many reasons to join your friends from The Heckler Next Year Day. Saturday night at HVAC that we're having trouble keeping track. Here's one you'll never forget: $4 Old Style Tall Boys all night. Sign up today at NextYearDay.com!

For the 108th year in a row, The Heckler is hosting Next Year Day in Wrigleyville. This season's festivities feature live music, amazing giveaways and a raffle supporting a wonderful charitiy, great specials on Old Style and other drinks, and much more. Secure your spot on the guest list by signing up at NextYearDay.com.