MLB

A confidential source close to the situation reported the latest. "Although [Cubs general manager Jed] Hoyer said he was fine with Arrieta displaying his work ethic for the world to see, he firmly believes in the Body Issue Jinx."

“To me, my vote was all about the numbers,” claimed Old Town resident Stu McGregor, who spent his Sunday afternoon voting for Coghlan the maximum 50 times on his iMac and another 50 times from a second account on his iPhone. “The Cubs are undefeated when Coghlan starts this year, while the Nationals are winning only about 60% of Harper starts.”

“Warming up before games with a good bounce was an idea I had,” said Cubs skipper Joe Maddon. “Maybe trampolines on the wall and ceiling went too far. Who’s to say? We’re just here trying not to suck.”

"I believe the best team in the league right now are the Braves, I think that Augie Ojeda is the best baseball player of all time, and Joey Fatone was the best member of NSYNC. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it."

"Look, it's going to be this way for a while with the Cubs and Pirates," said Cardinals GM John Mozeliak. "So we thought it just made sense to take pride in our current situation. Namely, that we have the best fans of a mediocre team in baseball."

For the first time in years, baseball is the most relevant sport in Chicago on May 1. The Blackhawks have been eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs, ending their season. This has led to some startling revelations for Hawks fans.

"The cereal is already selling like hotcakes. We're crushing Tony the Tiger, Cap ‘N Crunch, you name it," beamed Rizzo. “But we thought adding the toy Lester glove to the mix, sales might literally go through the roof and then we could afford to hire a mental health professional to help Jon get over this whole throwing issue."