MLB

Hours after the Dodgers clinched their first World Series title in 32 years, the Commissioner's Trophy became the first known inanimate object to test positive for COVID-19, likely due to its exposure to Dodgers 3B Justin Turner whose positive test was released in the second inning of Tuesday night's Game 6.

"It's one thing if the delay is only 17 minutes and it's the World Series," said first baseman Anthony Rizzo, "but a 24-hour delay during the Wild Card round is just not the same."

"I can't tell you how ashamed I am," said Bryant, who reportedly never uses foul language. "In an effort to learn from my potty mouth, I have decided to suspend myself for Sunday's game against the White Sox."

“Here I was, in my backyard enjoying a cold one while arguing with my wife about some stupid shit and this baseball bat comes out of nowhere and lodges in my front yard”

A poll this week by ESPN reaffirmed these sentiments as nine out of 10 North Side fans surveyed said they would rather watch paint dry than tune into the Cubs' at-bats.

Normally soft-spoken Kris Bryant hoped his voice was heard loud and clear over the weekend as he urged MLB to move its upcoming playoffs to a bubble in Williamsport, PA, home of the Little League World Series.

Fresh off throwing a no-hitter in Milwaukee Sunday, Cubs pitcher Alec Mills is commending the people of Chicago for maintaining social distancing guidelines and not mobbing him on the street.