MLB

"We met at baseball and modeling camp one summer," said Campana in a statement. "She just couldn't visit last year because she was in some movies and underwear commercials."

"Oh man, these funeral directors are way more cheery than those clowns from the Cubs Convention," said Hilton bellman Steve Jones. "Every year you'd see the same dead-eyed Cubs fans walking around in Mark Grace jerseys convincing themselves this was finally the year. It's great to be done with that crap."

"I know people call it 'Shitty Okays,' but something about terrible overpriced bar food really gets to me," said David Stibe, from Davenport. "Even though the Convention isn't there this year, I just feel like I have to stop by for a $14 corned beef sandwich, hockey puck that it is."

Fans were aghast when it was announced that batting practice would cost an additional $5 for spring training games. However, the Tigers were not done innovating the baseball experience.

Sosa made sure to bring all of his personality to his Pinterest by in no way letting his publicist position him in front of a camera while telling the former slugger, "Don't worry Sammy, you look great, America's gonna fall in love with you all over again."

“I thought I had to be retired five years before I could go in the Hall,” Bonds said. “I never told anyone I was retired.”

"Theo [Epstein] was touched the first time we showed him the greatest baseball movie ever, Rookie of the Year," said Cubs executive Crane Kenney. "Now we are focused entirely on 12-year-olds with tendons healing 'a little too tight,' giving them the ability to throw 103 mph."