MLB

Caesar’s Palace Race & Sports Book released its annual odds for betting propositions for the coming baseball season, and few people are surprised that White Sox manager Robin Ventura was installed as the 4-5 favorite to capture the award for “Most Boring Baseball ‘Personality’ of 2013.”

“Unfortunately WGN no longer is a superstation and can’t pay us top dollar to broadcast Cubs games,” said Cubs President of Baseball Operations Crane Kenney. “So we’re going to look into partnering with a bunch of stations scattered all over the TV dial, or maybe we’ll create the Cubs Cable Network, make it available in only a few hundred thousand homes and bury it in between Animal Planet 2 and C-SPAN Romania.”

"Man, what I wouldn't give to be a shortstop," said Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum. "I could still be laying in the cut smoking a big fat blunt right now. But instead, here I am working on my fastball."

With the help of an August 23, 2012, arrest for driving under the influence, former Chicago Cubs first baseman Mark Grace has officially topped the .300 plateau in lifetime breathalyzer average.

The Cubs surprised the sports world today, signing 35-year-old DH Travis Hafner to a 10-year, $125 million contract. The oft-injured former Cleveland Indian hasn't played more than 150 games in a season since 2007, but team president Theo Epstein said he finally couldn't resist the urge to frivolously spend his club's money on an aging veteran who does nothing to improve the team.

"Man, this place is kind of a sausage fest," said Grace, ever the ladies man. "Where are all the chicks at? Is there like a sports bar in here or something?"

The Cubs announced today the long-awaited plans for the rehab of Wrigley Field. The renovation calls for a retro look going back to the 1960s, including a dome and the use of AstroTurf.