In hindsight, government officials admit Donald Fehr a terrible choice to handle budget negotiations
"Looking back on it now, we probably should've realized this wasn't going to end well," said Boehner. "We've just been so focused on our own issues, we never checked his NHL or MLB references. Big mistake."
Dusty Baker given second chance to end Mark Prior’s career
"I can't believe I'm finally getting a chance to finish the job!" exclaimed Baker. "Dude, forget the minors. [Mark] is going straight to the mound on opening day and then right back to the DL after that. I'm putting him on a strict 200-pitch minimum."
Horse meat found in Matt Garza’s right arm
The Chicago Cubs were drawn into Europe's ever-widening food scandal Monday after authorities said they had detected horse meat in Cubs pitcher Matt Garza’s right arm.
Phoenix leveled by giant, rampaging Ryan Braun
Spring Training turned violent today as Milwaukee slugger and suspected steroid user Ryan Braun attacked downtown Phoenix, apparently after "hulking out."
Cubs trade entire roster to Kane County Cougars
“Let’s face facts. This ball club is going nowhere for the next five years, so why not make this trade?” mused Hoyer. “Our sabermetrics tell us that Kane County was going to outdraw us in attendance in 2013, so it makes even more sense.”
Google Autocorrect picks White Socks to win AL Central Park
“There’s no better 1-2 combination than Socks starters Jake’s Pizza and Chris Sales Tax,” said the annoyingly helpful internet search function, which quickly fixes misspelled words and suggests corrections automatically as you type.
Campana Convention 2014 organized by disillusioned fans of former Cubs speedster
“Tony is the future of baseball,” said convention organizer Evan Berman. “Running, sprinting, sliding -- all the tools are there. Our convention will celebrate his ability to be super-focused at the expense of literally everything else.”
