MLB

You may not think seagull poop on a Jumbotron can be the focal point of your party,” said Zybachowski. “I tell ya, buddy, you haven’t seen seagull poop on the right Jumbotron.”

In what’s being billed as the “Rumble at Wrigley,” the featured match on the card pits Cubs Chairman Tom Ricketts against Wrigleyville Alderman Thomas Tunney with the combatants dueling in a 15’ x 15’ barbed wire cage.

“Hellooooo. Anybody home?” is the theme of radio and television advertising used to remind Sox fans that the team has been playing since April 1.

"Screw this. I'm out!" Ricketts was heard saying after a three-hour Wrigleyville drinking binge Wednesday evening. "Greedy rooftop owners, crooked politicians, a doofus brother, worthless ballplayers, I can handle, but severed animal heads? No thanks!"

As word leaked out on Monday that Alfonso Soriano might want to stay for the duration of his contract because of planned renovations to Wrigley field, the Cubs announced the cancellation of any such plans.

“While the Cubs are playing on a roof across the street, we can concentrate full time on renovating Wrigley,” Cubs president Tom Ricketts said. “The owners of roofs not hosting a particular Cubs game that day or night can continue to make their money selling rooftop seating and pay the Cubs 17% of their receipts.”

"This study comes as a surprise to no one," claimed Regina Benjamin, U.S. Surgeon General. "Mets fans have mostly been unable to achieve an erection since 1986, while many living Jets fans cannot become aroused even mentally."