Sports Media

WSCR-AM afternoon host Dan Bernstein Wednesday night confirmed what many women have believed, but no man would ever confirm: Men get distracted by "giant boobs". In a reply to a tweet by co-worker Matt...

"SB Nation, Bleacher Report and Deadspin all need to check their facts," said a spokesman for the Associated Press. "Either that, or maybe come up with a new way to say that a defender was fooled by a basketball move."

"At this point, we've yet to find a suitable replacement," said an ESPN spokesperson. "We thought about maybe having two high school teams square off instead, but the logistics are difficult given noise ordinances at most high school stadiums. As you know, Jon Gruden can be heard screaming for miles in all directions."

"Of course we're excited," said ESPN President John Skipper. "What woman in America is not tuning in for the chance to see Adam [Levine], Pharrell [Williams] or Blake [Shelton] lose their shirt? Women are gonna be praying for Adam to fold."

"It's a no-brainer. When you think of Chicago, you think of Oprah," said Goodell. "I need to lay low for a while. This has to be the right thing for the NFL, right? A woman hosting the draft. That's progress, isn't it? I did good, right? See, the NFL does care."

In a stunning reversal, ESPN has now reinstated ESPN columnist, Bill Simmons in a memo released in the middle of the night, after originally suspending him for three weeks. Simmons was suspended for referring to NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell as a "liar" on his B.S. Podcast.

"Anytime you're ready, guys," huffed soon-to-be retiring Paul Konerko. "You know I'm retiring too, right? That's like this weekend."