ESPN

In the wake of Monday’s events – during which Ryan Dempster himself cut down wild trade speculation shortly before the Cubs played in Pittsburgh – the Cubs’ front office has deemed it necessary for players to have their cell phones on them at all times. If only to prove where they are.

The Worldwide Leader in Sports is undergoing another face lift. As ESPN continues to market themselves to a younger, hipper demographic they have decided to re-brand their flagship station as "ESPN jr." and change its motto to "Cooler than the other side of the blanky."

Many people new to ESPN's SportsCenter will be amazed to know they actually used to show in-game action. However; in recent years, things have changed entirely to bleeding heart stories, Brett Favre's wang and commercially-sponsored idiotic questions. Naturally, ESPN has decided to change the name of SportsCenter to "Vapid Analysis from Ex-Players Center."

Stephen A. Smith sure can chirp with the best of them, but now the energetic, passionate analyst wants to be a little more involved during these playoffs. After watching NBA officials Danny Crawford, Derrick Collins and Ed Malloy dish out technical fouls as if they were granted a raise for each, "Stephen A." wants a piece of the pie.

ESPN officials were rightfully concerned earlier this week when color analyst and former Major Leaguer Aaron Boone failed to report to the broadcast booth where he was scheduled to call a game between the Texas Rangers and Toronto Blue Jays. After repeated unsuccessful attempts to contact Boone by phone, authorities went to his hotel, where he was found curled in a fetal position in the bathtub inside his suite.

“I really thought that soul-crushing, overtime defeat to Michigan a while back would seal the deal," said Northwestern coach Bill Carmody. "But ESPN’s Joe Lunardi still says we’re among the last four teams to make the NCAA."

ESPN color man Dick Vitale suffered massive cranial trauma Wednesday night when his head spontaneously combusted after Duke’s Austin Rivers sunk a last-second, three-point field goal to push the Blue Devils past North Carolina.