ESPN

“I started preparing by interviewing myself in the mirror. It’s interesting how my answers are thorough with surprisingly little substance. This job may be harder than it seems.”

“You see, when teams are struggling for a long time, they tend to get a little desperate,” said Chicago police officer Bob Jones. “Lose for over a century, and then something like this happens.”

"At this point, we've yet to find a suitable replacement," said an ESPN spokesperson. "We thought about maybe having two high school teams square off instead, but the logistics are difficult given noise ordinances at most high school stadiums. As you know, Jon Gruden can be heard screaming for miles in all directions."

"Of course we're excited," said ESPN President John Skipper. "What woman in America is not tuning in for the chance to see Adam [Levine], Pharrell [Williams] or Blake [Shelton] lose their shirt? Women are gonna be praying for Adam to fold."

In a stunning reversal, ESPN has now reinstated ESPN columnist, Bill Simmons in a memo released in the middle of the night, after originally suspending him for three weeks. Simmons was suspended for referring to NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell as a "liar" on his B.S. Podcast.

"He needs to realize he can't say these types of comments about the NFL Commissioner. The NFL makes lots of money for ESPN. I mean, like, crazy money for us. Roger Goodell is a great man and a great leader. Plus he knows that ESPN and the NFL are in bed together."

"Mr. Smith made an unforgivable mistake: he smoked weed," said ESPN program director Chip Benson. "His argument that women are to blame for physical abuse by their boyfriends and husbands is classic Stephen. Good stuff, really. But getting high in the parking lot after his show? That's simply unacceptable."