Sports Business

“I figure I made hundreds of thousands of people violently angry for a three week period,” said ex-replacement official Ned Randall. “So, I asked myself, ‘Where can I garner that kind of emotionally provocative response from people?’"

With the help of the FBI, Goodell’s cellphone was tracked to a remote field in Wyoming. Authorities searched the area for several hours before finding a welcome mat in the middle of the field.

To alleviate much of the physical burden levied on the shoulders of players under the intense scheduling, teams will play one quarter 7 times a week.

It became apparent over the weekend that the Cubs suddenly noticed the value of their partners in shame when thousands of bouquets of flowers appeared around Minute Maid park with notes that read: “Gonna miss u. Baby plz don’t go."

In the wake of Monday’s events – during which Ryan Dempster himself cut down wild trade speculation shortly before the Cubs played in Pittsburgh – the Cubs’ front office has deemed it necessary for players to have their cell phones on them at all times. If only to prove where they are.

As the United States of America’s best warm-weather athletes walk out to represent their country during the Olympic games’ opening ceremonies, their domestically-attired chests not-so-proudly boast: “U.A.S.”

“We expect this new system of ADT cameras and motion-sensors to notify players when an opponent breeches our territory,” said team GM Stan Bowman. “And if nobody on the ice does anything about it, a soothing ADT operator will come over the loudspeakers, calm everybody down and alert the proper authorities.”