Mike Tice revealed to be figment of Lovie Smith’s imagination
“The random timeouts, his inability to get plays out on the field, they all make sense now,” said QB Jay Cutler. “Coach Smith had to wait for his own personal Tyler Durden to saunter in and tell him what to do.”
Cubs to stuff everybody’s stocking with a Major League pitcher this Christmas
“These gifts have value that will ideally grow over time,” said Hoyer. “Think of them as a savings bond that you can flip later for the next iPad.”
New Cubs Schierholtz, Fujikawa promptly put Chicago homes up for sale
“I figure I haven’t hung anything up yet, so there are no holes in the walls,” said Schierholtz. “My dog hasn’t peed anywhere. Why risk it?”
Hoyer trades Garza’s heart, Marmol’s legs, Soriano’s torso to Phillies, pending physical
As part of the contract, the Cubs are responsible for all shipping costs, whereas the Phillies will have the task of putting the pieces back together in their preferred manner.
Bettman responds to criticism and threats by puffing-out like a blowfish
Experts speculate that the spikes are normally hidden beneath Bettman’s cheap suits, ready to display whenever his species feels cornered.
NHL cancels holidays, month of December, passing of year
“If we’re going to get serious about playing hockey in 2012, this ticking of time thing has got to stop,” said Bettman. “I decree it perpetually November 21 until further notice.”
Comatose Bettman mistaken for zombie, stabbed in head
The injury, oddly, had almost no effect on Bettman, who is expected to recover fully. After the pencil was removed, much of the shrapnel remained in the victim’s head, but, according to doctors, this hasn’t yet affected his normal state.
