Everything else

“With the support of Jesus, the fans, and my family, I’ve learned the error of my ways,” Burress said. “I am a changed man. The next time I go into a nightclub with a bunch of strippers and hoodlums, I will have a trigger lock on my unregistered firearm."

“It’s impossible,” Scaramone said. “There’s no way we would’ve lost if Sheila had worn her rally cap like I told her to.”

Cubs radio broadcaster Pat Hughes missed Wednesday’s series finale against the Cincinnati Reds with an illness. That meant Judd Sirott, who usually fills in for Hughes during the fifth inning of games, would take over for the entire broadcast. It also meant that Keith Moreland, Hughes’ partner in the booth, would finally go an entire game without hearing mention of his predecessor, the late Ron Santo.

“If I would have had a qwerty phone and not an old piece of crap, this would not have happened,” said Hildebrand. “I was so busy trying to find a damn letter I totally lost focus and put it into the wall. Who the hell spells their name with an ‘x’ anyway?”

After a heart-breaking Eastern Conference Finals series defeat the the Heat, the Bulls are anxiously awaiting their chance at revenge against Miami when the NBA resumes play in three or four years from its impending labor stoppage this summer.

"We all thought the guy made a deal with the devil when he signed with the Heat," said TNT analyst and NBA Hall of Famer Charles Barkley. "But now it turns out he actually is the devil. That's just turrible."

"Normally we do it for free, you know, with baseball players and other rich guys," said Cohen. "But I decided to break the Wrigleyville Waitress Code and actually get paid to take off my clothes."