Everything else

“I’ve narrowed my choice to a few teams in the AFC East and NFC East. I consider the San Francisco Metro area a dark-horse. Of course, Dallas came in with a strong push,” said Pryor, who is now sporting a new, complimentary “Tressel Can Lick My Balls”-tattoo from Fort Worth Ink and Piercing.

"This is a no-nonsense league," said Goodell who fined each of the league's nearly 1,700 players roughly $588,000 a piece. "And we can't have our players taking their commitment to training camp lightly so we have to punish them where it hurts."

When it was announced the bestselling book “Moneyball” would be adapted into a major motion picture, Mets front office staffer Paul DePodesta was beside himself with excitement until he learned a heavyset actor was playing his role.

When the 26-foot tall statue of screen legend Marilyn Monroe was unveiled on Michigan Avenue earlier this month, many around town were questioning her relevance to Chicago and appropriateness of her easy-to-view underwear. However, none of this criticism mattered to Blackhawks winger/babe-hound Patrick Kane who was spotted canoodling with the statue while drunk late Monday night after watching the White Sox-Tigers game at U.S. Cellular Field.

"I used to think Kristin was just your average extremely spoiled West Coast rich girl who never worked a day in her life, but now I know she's just as bad as people like Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Truly awful."

"It sucks, bro," said Kane, who uses the injured left hand primarly for lifting pints, shots and Jager bombs. "That's my go-to boozing arm. It leaves my right hand free for scoring digits from the babes, taking cell phone photos and keeping cab drivers in line."

Speculation of wrongdoing began when an unnamed source leaked information that the cash-strapped Wilpons secretly cut the medical budget by 75 percent after the disastrous 2009 season, which saw almost every player on the Mets roster land on the disabled list.