Monday, November 18, 2024

Santo statue to replace Moreland in Cubs radio booth

The newly unveiled statue of Santo will relieve Moreland of his broadcasting duties effective immediately.

Campana finally gets ‘I like you’ note passed to Carrie Muskat

After months of crushing on MLB.com’s Cubs beat reporter Carrie Muskat, outfielder Tony Campana was finally able to get a note passed to her that read “I like you. Do you like me? Check yes or no.”

ESPN broadcasts of Yankees-Red Sox games cancelled due to national indifference

“It’s about time. The games have gotten so stale that it feels like nothing ever happens,” said a high ranking employee at ESPN. “It’s like watching four and a half hours of 'Entourage' reruns every time they play.”

Sean Avery kicks cop’s ass for confusing him with Brian Boitano

When LAPD officer Frank Smith arrived at Sean Avery’s Hollywood Hills home in the wee hours of Friday morning, the last thing he expected was to get his ass kicked, but that’s exactly what is alleged to have happened when Officer Smith confused Avery with figure-skater Brian Boitano.

Tiger Woods returns to golf with pair of Hooters girls as caddies

"Look, I'm a complete horn-dog and I need to publicly embrace the type of lifestyle I clearly prefer," said Woods. "Cassie and Lizzie are terrible caddies, but they help me merge my two passions in life: golf and sordid sexual urges."

A-Rod accused of being overrated poker player

“Every time he got aces, he yelled ‘A-Bombs for A-Rod!’ to the entire table,” said self-proclaimed top poker player in the world, Phil Hellmuth. “He was easier to read than a children’s book.”

Exotic dance industry breathes sigh of relief as NFL lockout comes to an end

“We were all hurting,” said a dancer named Sapphire as she shimmied down a pole. “Not only were we not getting guys in the champagne room, we couldn’t even get tips on the floor. Girls were going hungry. We thought we were going to have to go back to playing in the Lingerie Football League.”