Everything else

"After decades of trying to skirt the unnecessary legal confines presented by the United States and its tyrannical government, today we say 'No more!'" said Big Ten commissioner James Delany with an effigy of Uncle Sam burning behind him while he addressed a massive, energetic crowd made up of mostly conference and school administrators, staff and mascots on the lawn of the Big Ten's headquarters.

A Midwestern high school senior quarterback whose only Big Ten scholarship offer came from Indiana recently chose enlisting in the Army and fighting in Afghanistan over joining the Hoosiers.

"I've never really understood them," Hancock admitted. "And it's not just me, either. We sit around the BCS meetings for hours looking at brackets and they make no sense. How come something called a high seed gets put in the one spot? One is the lowest number--I've known that since second grade."

"Yeah, Rauch is a pretty good relief pitcher, but I'm confident he will be more effective as a circus sideshow for fans," GM Sandy Alderson said at a press conference.

Following the White Sox' poor campaign on the field last season, capped with the departure of manager Ozzie Guillen, the team is tweaking its promotional theme for 2012.

“The portrayal was absolutely uncanny, and we all loved the part of the performance where they didn’t cross midfield until the game was virtually over," said one senior official of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. "At certain times it was hard to believe that we weren’t watching the actual Rams offense out there.”

Tim Tebow could have had his pick of the litter after leading the Broncos to an improbable overtime victory over the Steelers. The Denver quarterback was propositioned by 316 different women after the game but the Christian quarterback politely declined each woman's advances.