Everything else

Move over, Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt – you've got company on the medals podium. Welcome the newest Olympic gold medalist, and it's none other than surprise upstart Ryan Seacrest, whose coverage of the games for NBC earned him a first place finish in the lesser-known media category of “Shark Jumping.”

Who makes the cut on your Olympic zombie-fighting team?

“We want to open up another season, a ‘Spring Olympics’, and we’re willing to host it,” he said. "We’re still in the early stages of developing the events, but we have some good ones lined up. There's Sheep Shaving, Pub Song Singing, and Horseback Riding on the beach like they did in 'The Quiet Man.'"

“These athletes, they’re sick of the recession, too,” said store owner Sal Smith. “Why hang your gold on a wall when you can get dinner and a new pair of shoes? You gonna forget you won? Write it down!”

"I'm really good at eating pork rinds," Haynesworth noted. "I'm glad somebody finally can put my skills to use. I'd like to show the world how good Americans are at watching TV and eating snacks."

"What you're looking at is a live feed of Tim Tebow's visage on the surface of Mars," said ESPN football analyst Adam Schefter. "Wow. This is definitely going to create a QB controversy here in the Milky Way ... and also at Jets camp."

“He texted me, ‘Does this thing happen every year?’,” said Lukas. “Which is weird, because I hadn’t heard from him in weeks. And when I told him, ‘No, the Olympics alternate every two years between summer and winter games,’ he said, ‘So they’ll be in jackets next time?’ I didn't quite understand, but kinda started to feel like I wanted to go cut his cable.”