Everything else

You may not think seagull poop on a Jumbotron can be the focal point of your party,” said Zybachowski. “I tell ya, buddy, you haven’t seen seagull poop on the right Jumbotron.”

The mighty have fallen! No. 1 seed Daniel Sedin was bounced Wednesday by No. 8 Hawk Harrelson 62% to 38% and No. 7 Raffi Torres crushed No. 2 AJ Pierzynski 78% to 22%. Will the Cinderellas continue to dance today?

“Do you, um … like hockey?” one reporter asked a confused Patrick Kane. Several minutes of awkward silence followed, until somebody finally asked Kane if he remembered the streak.

The mistake is being blamed on a 25-year-old representative for the conference, who saw stories online about the selection of the new Pope. Incorrectly believing the gathering of several hundred Cardinals was an actual university, he included them in the the conference.

Eyebrows were raised recently when it was reported earlier this week that 2012 Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel was taking college classes online and was only on campus once a month. A spokesperson representing the Texas A&M freshman denied the report saying that Manziel is doing coursework, not online, but through mental telepathy.

“Tony is the future of baseball,” said convention organizer Evan Berman. “Running, sprinting, sliding -- all the tools are there. Our convention will celebrate his ability to be super-focused at the expense of literally everything else.”

“Unfortunately WGN no longer is a superstation and can’t pay us top dollar to broadcast Cubs games,” said Cubs President of Baseball Operations Crane Kenney. “So we’re going to look into partnering with a bunch of stations scattered all over the TV dial, or maybe we’ll create the Cubs Cable Network, make it available in only a few hundred thousand homes and bury it in between Animal Planet 2 and C-SPAN Romania.”