Horrified CSN viewers beg ESPN Radio to hire back Harry Teinowitz
Comcast Sports Nets phone lines were flooded Thursday evening after former ESPN Chicago radio personality Harry Teinowitz appeared on SportsTalk Live. Viewers reported instances of fainting, shock and general feelings of horror upon seeing Teinowitz for the first time.
ESPN adds new Yankees-Red Sox channel
“Once again, ESPN has broken new ground in sports programming,” said a network spokesperson. “The interest in these two teams is overwhelming among the only demographic that counts, the northeast United States.”
Sun-Times to replace photos with stick figure drawings, reporter selfies
A day after the Sun-Times announced it was laying off all its photographers, the newspaper released a "bold new plan" to capture the visuals associated with the news it reports, anchored by stick figure drawings and reporter self portraits from the field.
Rutgers names Bobby Knight new provost
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a Rutgers source said the university is no longer pursuing politically correct hires. “Clearly we have no skill whatsoever in hiring the right people. So we decided the hire the wrongest person we could find.”
Adrian Peterson adds Vikings, taxes to list of things he doesn’t believe in
“Vikings? Really? I mean, you ever seen a guy with horns on his head?” said Peterson. “Seems crazy to me. Don’t believe in it. And taxes. Taxes, too. But that’s because it’s against my religious beliefs, or something.”
Susannah Collins admits to placing curse on Blackhawks
“She said that eight-legged creatures would rain from the sky,” said UC employee Sam McAllister. “Sounded like gibberish to me. Then she yelled something about the Hawks never winning as long as the zebras ruled the land. I laughed. It makes me cry a little to think that I laughed.”
Pierre McGuire confesses he’s from New Jersey
Born in the town of Englewood, McGuire told entertainment television show TMZ. “I just can’t hide it anymore. I’m a true Jersey boy. Even worse, I now live in Connecticut.”
