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After the University of Illinois barely beat Southern Illinois in the Illini first game of the college football season, angry fans and alumni took to Green Street in Champaign. They demanded the firing of head coach Tim Beckman and the rehiring of Ron Zook, who was let go by the university in 2011.

As the Northwestern Wildcats football team gears up for their season opener against Cal on Saturday night, students at the prestigious Evanston college were ecstatic to find their team ranked by AP, the coaches poll, and ESPN, each of whom have them as the 7 multiplied by π best team in the nation (or (4!)-2 in factorials).

“The responsibilities of the Board are awesome in nature,” Limbaugh said in a university press release. “The Board sets the curriculum for teaching arrogance to new Notre Dame students, and works with school officials to weed out anyone on campus who might show the slightest bit of humility.”

In a true gesture of thanks, Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel sent personally signed helmets to NCAA officials after the governing body suspended the Heisman Trophy winner for the first half of the Aggies’ opening game of the season.

"Bruce Smith used to give me nightmares," said John Elway. "Clowney makes Bruce Smith look like Bruce Jenner. And not the Bruce Jenner from back when he was winning decathlons. Bruce Jenner from now who looks like a corpse. That's how good Clowney is."

“The guy is hilariously recognizable, even with the mustache, top hat, cigar and cane,” said Callie Samuels, the fan who spotted the Cubs radio announcer headed towards an Air France plane.

President Obama issued the executive order only after exhaustive peace talks between the fraternity brothers and the Texas A &M stand-out QB broke down at the last possible minute. When pressed by the Associated Press about the strong possibility of a nuclear option, President Obama responded that “All options were on the table.”