Local creep holds women’s skeleton event in his basement
“Real skeletons, man!” said party attendee Phillip Scott. “Sure, the fact that they were moving at a high rate of speed made it hilarious. But after the first two races I totally called the police.”
Costas revealed as ‘Tears of Blood’ spy by KGB informant
Costas has used his "tears of blood" to coax untold secrets from many sports and political figures, sharing them with mentor Howard (Vladimir Toupeenitsyn) Cosell, previously thought deceased.
Putin rescinds controversial gay propaganda laws after meeting Patrick Sharp
“We may have made a mistake,” said Putin. “What person would not want to grab this man by his face and kiss both cheeks more times than normal social etiquette would call for?”
Sochi temps at least 5 degrees warmer than usual this time of year
"Any other year, holding the games in such a warm part of the country would have been only borderline ridiculous," said a local Olympic delegate. "But right now, with temperatures reaching nearly 70 instead of the usual 65, we have the egg on the face, as you Americans say."
U.S. and Russia bet entire country of Canada in friendly Olympic wager
"We've both kind of had our eye on that land for a while now," admitted Obama. "I like their healthcare system, while Vladimir would love to do some shirtless moose hunting without worrying about international law getting in the way."
Putin promises ‘straightest’ Olympics ever
Putin claimed that gay people are welcome to attend all the events, but he quickly added that there will really be no point to them coming to Russia, since "our Olympic spectacle will be entirely heterosexual" in orientation.
Sochi Olympics unveil new, 75% complete mascot
Named "Vladi," the mascot is only 75 percent complete, though officials hope that they can finish making the mascot's costume before Friday's opening ceremonies.
