Everything else

“We have to be more careful about which celebrity so-called ‘fans’ we let into our cheering sections,” said U.S. goalie Tim Howard. “The bandwagon is only big enough to support serious fans who want to get into soccer, our teams, and our countries. However, we must draw the line at these celebrity frontrunners.”

Pleased to rid themselves of financial albatross Chicago Cubs at the end of this year, WGN-AM is poised to replace team broadcasts with even more boring programming after the station was outbid last week by CBS-owned WBBM for Cubs broadcast rights.

Yes, Wilford Brimley is still alive, and it was learned on Monday that he will be taking a break from hocking diabetes testing supplies and Quaker Oats to star in a made-for-television movie, "Sour Grapes of Wrath."

The Cubs announced Tuesday that they'd be leaving their long-time radio home 720 WGN-AM for a competitor, CBS-owned 780 WBBM-AM. Naturally, many fans of the team were outraged at a change they see as a break in tradition and major inconvenience.

"We have come to the realization that the league's approach to banned substances was all backwards," Epstein told reporters. "The problem was not the 'rogue abuser' but the 'goody two-shoes' holdouts who refused to dope. PEDs are a powerful tool, and they are going to power us all the way to the World Series."

"This terrible situation has taught me a very valuable lesson," said Rice. "Never, ever hit your wife in a place where there could be security cameras recording your actions for all the world to see."

If you were lucky enough to watch ESPN earlier this week, or ESPN 2, or ESPN3.com, then you witnessed firsthand as action-movie star Hugh Jackman left the sports world speechless.