Everything else

"If two games were good for Ray's initial suspension, one game is good for Adrian his abuse case is of his four-year-old son, who's only about one-eighth the size of Ray's wife."

"I'm excited about these commercials," said Goodell. "Hey, I'm gonna need a new job soon. Listen to this. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on your car insurance. This is gonna be huge for me. Who needs the NFL?"

"Mr. Smith made an unforgivable mistake: he smoked weed," said ESPN program director Chip Benson. "His argument that women are to blame for physical abuse by their boyfriends and husbands is classic Stephen. Good stuff, really. But getting high in the parking lot after his show? That's simply unacceptable."

A day after Boston sports radio co-host Kirk Minihane issued a half-hearted apology for comments he made about Erin Andrews, saying if the female sportscaster gained 15 pounds she would be a waitress at...

"It was actually Johnny Manziel's idea. I saw him in the hotel lobby around 3AM with about 4 or 5 women in bikinis," said John Skipper, president of ESPN. "I told him that Drake couldn't host next year and after initial disappointment he suggested ... actually I'm not sure what her real name is."

Stealing a page from the old Baltimore Colts, who quickly packed their bags and took off in U-Hauls for Indianapolis in the middle of the night, the Cubs stole away to Schaumburg during the wee hours of the morning Friday. They left a note signed by Tom Ricketts in their "Little League" locker room in Wrigley Field that only said, "We'll call you."

Toews has reportedly agreed to sell his story to the popular Discovery Channel show Naked and Afraid. Toews' series will be titled Clothed and Depressed and will focus mainly on his fishing, sleeping late, and refusal to return to the rink interspersed with longing sighs.